Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
they're like a gay fantastic four
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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