The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
This is classic penis vs brain.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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