i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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