I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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