I wish life had little blips of pornography
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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