So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
