im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
