Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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