I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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