she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
