this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
