They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
