I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
