i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
