i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
