when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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