I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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