This is not my ceiling
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
