mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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