need another drink. this is the easiest way
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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