I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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