Banned from zoo.
Again?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize