I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
