Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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