bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
