If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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