if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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