omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
