FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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