This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
