i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize