I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
