dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
