normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
