You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
