pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
