I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
