I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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