Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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