There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
