Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
