are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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