I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
