just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
