new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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