you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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