The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
