Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Randomize
