He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I intend to get homeless drunk
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
