Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
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