we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
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