I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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