I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
