Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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