I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
