so that wasnt chicken after all
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize