I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
