Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
