Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
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