Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize