i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
