So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
