I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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