Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
