I could make wine with my vomit
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
