so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
