We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
