I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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