Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Randomize
